Before you and your partner start trying for that cute little parasite, here are some things I wish I knew:

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  •  A pregnancy is 40 weeks (9 months is inaccurate-ish)
  • You may skip your period during this time, but Aunt Flow visits for a solid 4-6 weeks after (she is such a bitch)
  • When you first get pregnant try to make yourself look “fat” (you know, when you push your stomach out)… it doesn’t work
  • That line you get down your stomach  isn’t the only thing that gets darker, so does your butt crack
  • Your belly gets super fuzzy with blonde hairs
  • You will still look pregnant after giving birth

  • I don’t know about yours, but my vagina looked better 4 weeks after pregnancy than it did before I got pregnant
  • Men approach you more than women, and are a lot creepier about it, “I just love pregnant women!”
  • I had a hard time orgasming at 7 months, so we had to get creative (my We Vibe 3 was a God send)
  • You love feeling your baby move until it is 3am and they kick the crap out of your ribs, then it gets old and you feel bad about not appreciating it
  • You will say really funny and random things like, “This is the only time you are getting a threesome, so enjoy it while it lasts.”
  • When giving birth, you literally feel like you are shitting out your biggest poop ever
  • You will ram your belly into things, and will do the same with your baby’s head/feet while carrying them around
  • You hear new terms like “Nipple Confusion” … nipple, what?!
  • Everyone by now knows most women poop during birth, but what you don’t know is that if you don’t you will wish you had, because you don’t know the next time you will
  • I weighed more when I got home from the hospital than I did when I gave birth
  • You will feel like a pin cushion when at the hospital

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  • “Sleep now while you can” is the truest statement ever made
  • I am more patient now as a mom than I ever have been
  • Kegels are your best friend
  • Jumping jacks in the weeks following your birth make you feel like you have to pee really bad – even if you wait the 6 weeks and even if you just peed
  • There are no good/bad days, just easy/tough days, and a lot more of the latter.
  • People always ask the same three questions. I just started answering them before they had a chance to ask.
    • “When are you due? What is it? Are you excited?”
    • “Dec. 21, it’s a boy and I’m excited.” It got so old after the fifth time that I had to act excited.

Mom Brain

What do you wish you would have known before you got pregnant? I will add it to the list along with your name or blog link. Comment below.

Know Before You Sow
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